Despite receiving several nonprofit internship offers in the New York and Washington DC areas, I ended up staying in Ann Arbor again that summer. After an overwhelming, complicated semester, I wanted to rest and rethink a lot of things about my life--the way I prioritize and value my relationships, my dating habits, my faith, my future career plans, my mental and physical health. I relied on the handful of LGM people who also stayed in Ann Arbor that summer, including Eunice and Jess from the Potato Chips. They watched the Lizzie Mcguire Movie with me after I finally broke up with Josh, listened to my questioning thoughts of my attractionality, and supported my journey to good health.

 

By the time I started senior year, I had made a lot of progress in all of those themes I had wanted to address. I was determined to be a better friend to people, particularly Jamie and Kanghoon. I was determined not to place my worth in arbitrary ideals like capitalist success or eurocentric beauty. I was determined to better understand my identities and be a better ally.

 

First semester, I took the IGR training course. I loved the course and learned so much, slowly getting to know some of the people as well. Outside of class, Jamie and I had somehow rekindled our friendships with the group we partied with first semester of freshman year, coming full circle. It was really fun being in a friend group with both women and men, that did things besides talk about dating or try on new makeup looks. Although those things are valid and fun, I enjoyed the variety I received in spending time with people outside of the Korean American church.

 

My distance with Potato Chips and LGM grew even more second semester. By now, I had again fully dived deep into new communities, the freshman year crew and my IGR cohort. While I had been unhappy with LGM’s subtly oppressive jokes and behaviors for quite some time, this semester they really seemed to compare with the radically inclusive and liberatory people I had met through going to more social justice events with IGR folks. Although my freshman year friends were also problematic in a lot of ways, there was a bit more diversity and less elitism and queerphobia. I started to get more and more bothered with Potato Chips’ conversations about shaving legs or guessing people’s sexualities or future children’s names.

 

“It’s been really fun hanging out with the freshman year crew again, but I still don’t really feel like a part of the group, you know?” Jamie said one day as we studied on our couch.

“Yeah, I feel you. I mean, they have been together for four years while we were hanging out with LGM people. You have Potato Chips though, right?” I responded. But by the time of this conversation, I had made peace with my place in Potato Chips and its place in my life: not at the center, but firmly and valuably there.

“I don’t know. I sort of feel slightly outside of both. I can’t be super into Potato Chips because of the other group, but I can’t be in that group because of Potato Chips,” Jamie explained. “I know this wasn’t a problem for me before, but it’s just been hitting me a lot these days.”

“I’m sorry that you feel that way--that’s truly an awful feeling” I responded, frowning. I thought for a bit. “I definitely feel the same way, but somehow it doesn’t bother me as much anymore. I think I’m finally taking your advice from last year and focusing more on the individual relationships rather than obsessing over being in a group.”

 

She told me she was proud of me, but that I was part of the reason why she felt the way she did. Even though I tried to be more appreciative of and present with her, she still felt neglected at times because I wasn’t around as much, splitting my time between LGM, IGR, and the freshman year crew. Similarly, I still find the old feelings of loneliness arise when I see how close Jamie got with our other roommates Jess during the time I was a bad friend to her. But we try to check in with each other every so often and be in open communication because we love and care about each other despite all of the conflicts, the difficult emotions, the disappointments.

​